For the first time today I have practiced my yoga class almost ninety percent of the time with my eyes closed. Woww what an experience.

First of all, I think my expectations was not different than any of the yoga sessions I have been. Until the moment I closed my eyes…Felt like I completely lost gravity. All of a sudden my balance wave is totally screwed. I was leaning towards right and left without knowing why. Clearly the studio I have been was no stranger to me, I go there almost every sunday. But I was completely upside down. My feet was having hard time to grip the floor. My body was trying to keep the balance while not knowing what the balance is. I had a REALLY hard time to concentrate. Even the easiest poses felt like the hardest to stay in balance and grounded. My mind was trapped in between the idea of trying to keep my eyes closed as well as being on balance but they didn’t exist together at least for the first half of the class. Mini glimpses kinda saved some poses but it felt like I was breaking the rules. My inner conversation with myself got more intense everytime. “C’mon Ayca, are you serious right now? You can not even hold that tree pose with eyes closed? SMH..” Just like that half of the class passed.

Until the instructor woke me up. He said “Every pose you fall from, don’t see it as a failure, see it as feedback, hear it as learnings…fall from the pose and do it again”

It was like an awakening moment for me. All of a sudden I realized how judgemental I was with myself in that inner conversation. While experiencing something for the first time and not knowing what to expect, instead of acknowledging the fact that I was doing my best to experiment that moment and encourage to hold a pose even 2 seconds longer than the one before, I was constantly breaking myself. Yeah that tough love of mine was in the scene, trying to make me better I suppose without knowing that it was breaking me.

I did pause for a second and asked myself if I would do the same thing to my sister. Would I encourage her or just say that she suck at it. Answer was so obvious. PS: My sister would hate me and never talk to me if I tell her what I told to myself🙈 . So then WHY on earth I was super harsh with myself? 

How did we learn that self destroying tough love? Why are we always so hard on ourselves? Even if the comments we make are minor, why do we have that negative approach? Vs being gentle with ourselves and taking our potentials to the sky. We better stop sabotaging ourselves. 

Clearly that awakening change the second half of the class for me. Instead of listening that crazy conversation within my brain, I started focusing in my body while at the same time hearing outside to help myself to find the balance. 

Did I turn into a pro all of a sudden? Definitely not. But I did experiment hearing and sensing the room which made it so much fun. Yes it was hard as hell but at least now I know what to expect and how to change my focus from my inner chats to the outside flow. That learning itself was worth the pain. Could have never realized that if I kept getting mad at me for not being able to hold the pose. 

Looks lik getting to a better version of myself doesn’t need the tough love all the time. Being gentle makes the difference by healing vs breaking. So I got my lesson today:)It was a good Sunday!

Ayca Xxx

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